Fear of Commitment

Reasons behind the fear of commitment for men and women can be different, but the results are the same. Fear of commitment often ends a relationship or puts a dense wall between two people - sometimes between life itself. Commitment to one person is a serious thing. It shouldn't be taken lightly and should always be made for the right reasons.

Why Men Fear Commitment

Most men who fear commitment don't want to lose their freedom. Men like to go out with their buddies or do their own thing without having to feel they need permission to do so. They don't want to lose their personal space or have a partner who puts demands on them. They also question if they will be able to make a commitment to having only one sex partner. Some have been burned by females who were gold diggers and they don't want to take the chance of giving up their hard earned money and assets for someone who may be using them. Some have been cheated on and left by their wives and in the process of divorce, lost custody of their children. Crossing over from bachelorhood to committing to one person can cause fear of the unknown, fear of history repeating itself or make a man feel trapped.


Why Women Fear Commitment

Women usually fear commitment because they've been burned numerous times. They've been played. They've been cheated on and lose trust that any man will be trustworthy and remain faithful. They've heard the pretty words and felt the tender touch only to find out the man was using her or bailed out to see if the grass was greener on the other side. Some have been very devoted wives, yet their husband cheated and bailed out, resulting in divorce. The woman's life is totally uprooted, forcing her to start anew and often very unprepared for what lies ahead. She's tired of getting her heart ripped out. She fears another sad and painful story will write itself if she commits once again.


How to Deal with the Fear

There are many people who are still single, afraid of commitment, yet are very lonely. They resist commitment because of their fears. These fears come from different places...from actual experience or from ingrained fears early in life. Emotional patterns begin in childhood and the fear of commitment is about unresolved issues residing within, more than experiences they've had with the opposite sex. These are usually deep-seated fears that don't just affect relationships, but probably most other decisions made in life. The core fear issues need to be looked into and resolved before a person is able to commit freely. Fear of failure, rejection and loss is usually at the core. If fears are ingrained, you need to fix yourself first before you'll be able to commit. You need to rid yourself of the hauntings from the past in order to open yourself completely to love and trust.


If your fears are from experiences...change your attitude! Being committed isn't taking your options away. It provides you with new and different options. It's offering options that are long lasting and filled with substance. It's much better to wake up to the same person each day, knowing they love you than to walk aimlessly through life trying to get another date that may lead nowhere. There's a catch! You have to find the right person in order for your investment to overshadow your fear. Not everyone will use you. Not everyone wants your money. Not everyone will cheat and leave. You have to move slowly in a relationship, get to know the person very well and instill the utmost trust. Commitment can be beautiful!


Never sabotage your relationship and use tactics to make your partner want to break up because of "your" fear. Never just bail out without explanation because of your fear. This causes an intense pain for your partner and takes a long time to heal from. They are left confused, angry and sad because they can't understand why you left all of a sudden without explanation - especially when you gave them reason to believe you were serious about the relationship.


If you are in a relationship and fear commitment, realize you need to deal with the fear or your relationship will either end or remain stagnant. Talk openly with your partner about your fears. Seek spiritual or professional guidance, if needed. Realize, you only have one life to live and cannot live it fully as long as fear is holding you back. Release your fears and find deeper meaning in life and love.

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Dating the Wrong Type for You

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What to Talk About on a First Date

When dating, a good first impression means a good chance of a second date. Physical attraction is important to most, but what we say goes a long way in capturing and holding the other's attention. It's also just as important to listen to your date attentively.

A first date should be about getting to know each other on the surface and a little below, but not so deep there's no mystery left. Create a comfortable atmosphere that puts your date at ease.

Don't ask questions that are too personal or too controversial. Interaction shouldn't be one-sided, but a balance between two people. Know when to be the speaker and when to be the listener. Your mannerisms can be as important as what you say. Be polite, respectful and use manners.

MUSIC

Music is a wonderful topic and can be expanded upon. Most everyone likes music. Find out the genres your date likes. You can build on this by asking about specific bands, artists, songs and what interests them about each. I like to discuss interpretation of lyrics. That opens a broad line of communication.

PLACES

Discussing places you've lived or traveled to can be very interesting. You may find you've had similar experiences or vastly different experiences you can learn from. Ask details. Ask what they liked or disliked about places they've lived or traveled to. You can learn if they like cold or warm climates, a bustling city or simplistic country life or something in between.

MOVIES

Movies, old and new, can create a wealth of discussion from the type of movies each likes to specific actors. Maybe they prefer adventure or horror movies as opposed to romantic or comedy. This choice helps give an insight to the type of person your date is.

PETS

Ask if they have any pets. This gives a good idea of compatibility. If they hate cats and you have a dozen of them, you might have a problem. Their reaction will be quite telling. Some people can tolerate pets and there are those who cannot stand to be around them. Couples have broken up over issues such as this. Better to know early on.

FAVORITE FOOD

Everyone eats so this topic can't go wrong. Discussing the many types of food can lead to knowing if they like to eat out or prefer to eat at home and also if they enjoy cooking. You may find your date is such a good cook they could be a chef or they don't know how to boil an egg.

LEISURE TIME

Asking about what they do in their leisure time can give you an idea if they are more the couch potato type or the more adventurous. You'll be able to gauge if your interests are similar enough should a relationship evolve. You'll also learn how interested they are in what you like to do and how they react to your choices.

SIBLINGS

Asking about siblings shows an interest in family life, but doesn't get too personal. You'll learn if they have close family ties and experiences they have had with siblings. They may offer a glimpse into their childhood which can be fascinating.

SPORTS

Some people hate sports and some are fanatics. Again, this topic can offer a view of your compatibility level. A love for the same types of sports can draw people close together and certainly involve many interesting discussions.

WHAT NOT TO DO

* Don't talk about controversial subjects. This can lead to tension.
* Don't talk about your ex. This implies you still have loose ends.
* Don't talk about finances. This is too personal for a first date.
* Don't lie to impress. Lies come out eventually and you'll be seen as a fool.
* Don't have a wandering eye. Focus on your date. A wandering eye isn't respectful.

Remember...too much, too soon of anything has a tendency to make a bad impression. Go slow, be yourself and keep things simple! Focus on your date so they know you are genuinely interested.

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How to Become a Better Person

Becoming a better person takes desire and willingness to look at yourself with brutal honesty. The start of the journey may be bumpy at times, but the results can be very rewarding. Becoming a better person also means your relationships will be more positive and healthy. By creating the best you, you are creating positive dynamics between yourself and everyone you come in contact with.

One of the most important things we need to understand is what our values, our belief system is based upon. If you have no belief system, you'll tend to waver in life, without clear direction. Once your belief system is firmly in place, you are more able to make decisions based on that. My belief system is based on Biblical doctrine. It holds me steady and is a guide to every decision I make.

Becoming a better person includes several aspects...

1) character
Good character includes, integrity, courage, virtue, kindness, honesty, loyalty, patience. "Character is doing what's right even when no one is looking" - unknown

2) emotional well-being
Emotional well-being has a lot to do with how you cope in daily life, how you view yourself and the world around you, how you react to situations.

3) mentality
Your mentality, your thoughts and mindset can have either a positive or negative effect on your overall well-being and how you see everything around you.

4) physical well-being
Physical well-being is very important. If you don't feel well physically, it's difficult to function in all other areas.

5) spirituality
A dulled spirit can mean a dulled life. Everyone needs to connect to something higher than themselves, discovering a deeper sense of who they are and where they belong.

Look at each aspect as you assess the person you are...

Do your actions express a person of good character? Do you say you are of good character, yet your actions tell otherwise? You have to get real with yourself and admit your flaws. You may be appalled to think of yourself as a liar, yet you often lie. You may say you respect your wife, yet you flirt with every woman that breathes. (only an example). Our true character is expressed in consistent action.

Do you find yourself depressed a lot or unable to deal with daily life? Your emotional well-being may need help, even professional help. If you have a bad self-image and see the world negatively, it will affect you adversely and those around you. Your quality of life will be diminished. Think of all the positive things about yourself. You have value and worth. Set goals for yourself. Seek support through friends and family. Find things to look forward to. Allow yourself to have fun.

Negative thoughts can taint your world. Change your mindset by looking at things differently, more positively. What we "think" we often become. Changing our internal dialog can make a difference. If you have a negative thought become more aware of it and change it into something positive. Say STOP the moment a negative thought comes into your mind. Positive thoughts give a much better energy to molding who we are.

Improve your physical well-being by eating right and exercising. Exercising doesn't have to be boring. Walking is great exercise and offers a sense of well-being. Getting enough sleep is important as well as treating yourself to some pampering.

Becoming a better person is about looking at the areas that need improvement and taking action. Nothing changes until you make changes!

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